If I Give You Up Song Fic
by EnsorcelledFerret
Summary: Kurama worries about his relationship with Yusuke, fearing something might be amis. A tragic surprise awaits the red-haired boy when he learns the true secret behind his worries. Rated for Sexual References, and stuff...


Date Written: 03-09-03 / 03-10-03 (around midnight)  
  
Warnings: This FanWork contains mature elements, sexual references, yaoi/shonen ai. If you do not like this, or do not know what it is, then I don't suggest you read this.  
  
Notes: This Story is written from Kurama's Point Of View.  
  
Disclaimers:  
  
Song Credits- (How Could An Angel Break My Heart) by Toni Braxton. All rights reserved.  
  
I don't own any of the characters depicted in this fanfic, and nor do I claim to. They, as well as the series they belong to, are copyright to their respective owners/creators. This fic is for entertainment purposes only. No money is being made on this fic at all. This fic was written in less than one hour. No rereading done. Spelling errors might be abound. Other than that, Enjoy.  
  
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If I Give You Up.....  
  
// I heard he sang a lullaby / I heard he sang it from his heart / When I found out thought I would die / Because that lullaby was mine / I heard he sealed it with a kiss / He gently kissed her cherry lips / I found that so hard to believe / Because his kiss belonged to me //  
  
I propped my chin on my upheld palm, and stared blankly down at my homework. Try as I may, I couldn't seem to concentrate on the puzzles and questions that riddled my upcoming exam study sheet. Everytime I started to read a question, my mind would fall out of focus, leaving me struggling to regain control. Why was it so hard to believe? I still questioned myself, and the information that I had heard earlier that very day.  
  
Yusuke Urameshi. Tough boy. A boy who carried the "big man on campus" attitude with him, and wore it like a winter coat. Why was it so troubling to hear he was ending his days at school, the days he showed up anyway, with a female classmate? Why was it so hard for me to grasp the very concept that he might have female friends, and want to spend time with them? Was I being jealous over nothing? Surely he wouldn't leave me for her. For Keiko.  
  
I knew they were friends, and I knew that their friendship went further back than before I had ever even met the dark-haired boy. Why was this so hard on me? Battling with my very thoughts at ever second to the point I couldn't even concentrate on such simple things as homework?  
  
The girl's words still echoed in my mind, taunting my thoughts, teasing my reasonings..  
  
"Did you see that Urameshi fellow? Kissing that girl? I thought he was supposed to be scary, and mean!"  
  
I laid the pencil down upon the book that was opened before me, and leaned back in the chair, my hands coming up in a swift motion to rub at my eyes. Instead of confronting Yusuke about the supposed rumour, I had chosen to walk myself home today, and pen myself in this four walled prison I like to call my room. My mother was not home yet, so I didn't have to answer any questions as to why I had, without meaning to of course, slammed not only the front door, but my room door as well. Why was I getting so upset over a rumour?! It didn't make any sense.  
  
Yusuke loved me. I knew this....  
  
Deciding that I would most likely not sleep a wink the entire night, I decided to talk a walk, and Yusuke's own house was the destination. Leaving a note for my mother, I left a few minutes after this decision. I walked with my hands in my pockets, and my head unusually turned downward. As I passed a few of the local hangouts of my peers, I could almost feel their eyes burning upon my back as I walked passed, and away from them. I could hear the hushed whispers, the accusations, the flitting snigger here and there. I heard it all, but I kept walking onward. They were wrong. My Yusuke would not do such a thing... Though he acted tough on the outside, he was a very kind person, and even sweet. I would not have gone so far as to say he would buy me a stuffed animal and chocolates for an anniversary, but it was close enough for me.  
  
This was probably just a misunderstanding....  
  
I came upon Yusuke's house a short while later, as the sun was beginning to fall in the sky, and the clouds shifting colours to mingle in delightful reds, oranges and orchids. It would have made a nice postcard. I passed the front walk without so much as lifting my eyes from the ground, and nearly yelped in surprise when finally made it to the Urameshi residence door.  
  
"Atsuko." I recovered quickly from the shock Yusuke's mother had given me as I had been reaching for the door latch just as she had opened it, seemingly paving my way inside.  
  
"Oh.. Hello Kurama." The woman smiled at me, a slight tinge to her cheeks that bespoke of perhaps a few glasses too many of their best acohol. "You lookin' for Yusuke, right?"  
  
I nodded slowly, my eyes turning slightly away from her, peering past her into the rooms behind her almost curiously... perhaps too hopefully.  
  
"He's not here... Sorry." Atsuko's face was a mirrored delight of radiance that would have put the very sun to shame, and mine had suddenly become downfallen, and disappointed. She continued, though. "He said something about meeting a friend of his tonight, didn't tell me who, though, the stupid jerk."  
  
My eyes lit up a little, though it was only briefly as I spoke. "Did he say where he was going?"  
  
"Some school hangout, or something like that." The woman slurred slightly, and leaned on the doorframe, one arm propping her up, the other holding the glass that had probably given her the tipsy accent. "I really don't remember.."  
  
I nodded once more, and thanking the woman profusely, I departed in a haste.  
  
I had probably wandered around for an hour before I finally managed to get a tip as to the location of my quarry. As I thanked whatever god might be listening that people gossiped, and women chatted like spring-crazed birds, I jogged down towards Yusuke's school. He would be on the roof if the gossip was more than just that.  
  
Why, Yusuke? I thought as I ran into the school grounds, looking around for some way to get onto the roof without being conspicuous. What business do you have with a friend that would bring you to a school rooftop?  
  
I managed to find a set of ladders that posed as a fire-escape, and slowly made my way up them, careful to keep from sight should someone, by chance, glance my direction. I didn't have too much of a problem, for there wasn't really anyone that would look at the school unless they had to, no one that i would be concerned about in any case. My hands found purchase on the last few rungs of the black metal, and I pulled myself slowly upward. Why was I being so cautious? Wouldn't it make more sense to just confront him up there? I felt like such a voyuer.  
  
As my head rose above the top most bar, I peered over, my eyes searching the top of the building for the man I was solely devoted to. At first, I saw no one. I thought perhaps that the gossip was merely that; gossip. But as my eyes rescanned the area, I saw two seated figures over by the base door that lead down into the school from atop the building. My eyes widened as I saw those two figures tight in each other's arms, and one of those figures was ....  
  
...Yusuke...  
  
//How could an angel break my heart / Why didn't he catch my falling star / I wish I didn't wish so hard / Maybe I wished our love apart / How could an angel break my heart //  
  
My hand slipped from the top rung, and I found myself falling down to the landing beneath me. I felt my bones jar as I struck the metal beneath me, and crumpled over onto my side. No. That had not been my Yusuke. The same Yusuke that had promised his love to me for all eternity, so long as we both drew breath. The same Yusuke who swore to never hurt me, either physically, or mentally. I suppose he forgot to mention "emotionally". I grunted, and gathered myself to a sitting position, looking upward to the some ten feet or so that I had fallen in my shock at seeing the two of them clutching and groping each other in their frenzy of passion.  
  
I had been so STUPID! To open myself up to him... to give my entire love, and soul.. my heart.. to him! I gritted my teeth, and crawled my way over to the other set of metal rungs that would lead me back to the ground, and away from the scene above me. How could he do such a thing? After all his words, all his promises.... apparently, all his lies! Would this new woman bring him satisfaction that I could not? Fulfill him in some way that I was apparently lacking? Would her arms hold warmth in an embrace that I could not openly give him without ridicule from all sides?  
  
Was it more politically correct to be seen with a woman than with a man? Was that what he was seeking? An easier, and better reputation? A way to seem once again like the average bully who had his women on one hand, and his posse on the other? Did Kuwbara know about this, and not tell me for the sole purpose to spare my open, and now bleeding, heart from such a shock and awe? Even as I thought the words, I knew that if Kuwabara had known, I would have also known.  
  
As my feet touched the earth once again, and began to carry me as a run away from the building of education, I wondered with anger about how long this had actually been going on. How long had we laid together in bed, holding each other, smiling and laughing with each other, while Yusuke secretly held romance with that girl? How many times had I kissed him, and missed the taste of those feminine lips that were so obviously NOT from his mother? How many times had he told me I love you, and actually meant it?  
  
I ran home without even looking back.  
  
// I heard here face was white as rain / Soft as a rose that blooms in May / He keeps her picture in a frame / And when he sleeps he calls her name / I wonder if she makes him smile / The way he used to smile at me / I hope she doesn't make him laugh / Because his laugh belongs to me //  
  
I saw Yusuke three days later when he showed up on my doorstep. I had told my mother I did not wish to have any visitors, but she let him up anyway. I supposed it was because she was, once again, worried about my well-being. I couldn't really blame her too much. I lay on my bed, staring up at the ceiling when Yusuke pushed the door aside, and stepped into the room, clearing his throat.  
  
"Where in the hell have you been, Kurama? You didn't show up, TWICE, at the meeting place..."  
  
I didn't say anything to his comment nor question, merely continued to stare upward. I felt if I said anything, my voice would betray what I knew, or perhaps I would say things I did not necassarily mean at that moment. I still felt the anger and betrayal from three nights past when I had seen him in Keiko's arms, seen them pressing so close to one another...  
  
"Hello? Are you going to answer me?" I heard him walk over towards me, and frowned slightly as he leaned over me, blocking my view of the ceiling. "What's the matter with you? Damn. I haven't even gotten a PHONE CALL from you, and here you are, laying there not saying anything, and I come over to find out what's wrong. You're confusing as hell, Kurama, you know that?"  
  
I suppose I had to say something. He wouldn't leave if I merely lay there in silence.  
  
"I really am not up for chatter right now, Yusuke." Even to me, my voice sounded bitter, and slightly hollow. He must have heard it too, because he narrowed his eyes, and backed away slightly, as if I had tried to bite him, or scratch him like a cornered animal.  
  
"Kurama..?"  
  
I sat up slowly, and swung my legs over the edge of my bed. Propping myself up with my arms, I looked squarely at him. No. I would not be like him. I would not keep secrets from him. Even though I might despise him for his acts against me, his betrayal of my love, I would not break the vow I had made the night I first found myself in his arms. I would never lie to him.  
  
"Why didn't you say anything to me, Yusuke?" I began, almost in a tone that would be fit to be placed in the voice of a mother scolding her child for marking up the wall with a crayon, and trying to hide it.  
  
"What the hell are you talking abou---"  
  
"About you and Keiko."  
  
I watched as his eyebrows erupted upwards, and his eyes widened in shock that was apparently not feigned. Even as I watched his reaction, I had to restrain myself from leaping from the bed to claw at his face, to scratch and bite him like the cornered animal he had thought he'd been drawing away from moments before. It was true. I could see it on his face, in his eyes, in the way his lips parted to speak, but relinquished no words at all.  
  
"So.. it's true....?"  
  
I don't think there was ever a time when Yusuke had cast his eyes away from me, but the instant those dark depths turned to the side, I knew this was the end. It was over.. there would be no shattered pieces to pick up, and affix back together.  
  
// How could an angel break my heart / Why didn't he catch my falling star / I wish I didn't wish so hard / Maybe I wish our love apart / How could an angel break my heart //  
  
Yusuke let himself out that night, and never returned to my front door again. Throughout our times as teams mates under Koenma's command, he had never been any more caring towards me than he had to the rest of the group. His love for Keiko blossomed and bloomed into something radiant, and even as I cursed him for leaving me to my own devices, I was quietly happy for him. I watched his eyes sparkle when she came around, even though they fought like they were already married. I watched as they shopped together, went to movies, spent time simply walking down the street, even a few times holding hands in the park. Things he never could really do with me, not so opening anyway.  
  
Had I boxed him in, and left him with no way out except to leave me for another he could more openly express himself with? I was used to hiding things in shadows, and living only with lies that helped me get by. Yusuke was more open, more outward with his emotions, though not always with the softer, more gentle side of those emotions. He was used to being free, saying and doing his piece in life to make it through each day of his life. I was the shadow he had been hiding in, and my darkness had encased him into a prison he was apparently desperate to free himself from.  
  
// Oh my soul is dying, it's crying / I'm trying to understand / Please help me //  
  
I just wished it could have been different.  
  
// How could an angel break my heart / Why didn't he catch my falling star / I wish I didn't wish so hard / Maybe I wished our love apart / How could an angel break my heart //  
  
I sat in my room once again, hovering sullenly over my homework, pencil tapping absently atop the stack of papers I had been letting pile up. Even as I had found out the cause of our breakup, I never really could get it out of my mind. I found myself, on nights like this, when the house was quiet, and the night was calm, thinking about Yusuke. I would smile to myself as I would remember our times together. Our first kiss, our first shared laugh, the way his eyes sparkled when he spoke of amusing things, and the way the edges of his mouth would turn up just so when he smiled at me. The way his hands felt as they brushed against my face, and the feel of his breath along my neck.  
  
I could almost feel his breath...  
  
Startled, I jerked my eyes up from the papers and books beneath me, and whirled around in my chair. The room was empty, save for myself. No movement save for the flittering of my curtains as the open window allowed some of the night breeze to filter in. I lowered my head as I turned around, one hand moving to rub lightly against my temple. This strain felt as though it would never go away. Even though it was more than several months after the fact, I was still hearing him... still feeling him.... still wanting him.  
  
I had tried to let him go.  
  
Though, I found it was harder than I could have ever imagined.  
  
To Be Continued..  
  
---  
  
(Author's Notes: This fiction actually DOES have another finished chapter after it, but I doubt it will be put up. I don't like it, and I'm thinking of redoing it. That's all. ^-^;; ) 


End file.
